My mind can’t recall for you how many times I have thought about resurrecting this blog. I have thought many times throughout the last five years about how I would do it or what my first new post would be like. Well, much like most other things in my life, this post that I am writing now was not planned and I didn’t really think about it ahead of time. I have decided, however, what I want this blog to be.
Back in the heyday of blogging, in the days of Xanga and Live Journal, I blogged similarly to how most teens did. I ranted, complained, lamented and posted about what was going on in my life. It was probably shortly before I wrote my last post that I ventured into more philosophical, artistic content; These new postings will be that, and poems, maybe prose or essays, maybe some songs, but mostly the thoughts of a woman in her 30’s with a lot on her mind…constantly. And so, because this content will probably end up being so varied, I decided that there is no delicate way to reintroduce myself to blogging. The best way, I reasoned, was just to start, so I’ll do that by telling you about my evening.
This evening is much like any other. I’m sitting here in front of the computer typing, trying to get my thoughts in order before they overcrowd my mental space and give way to anxiety. I picture them like a game of Tetris, where I must deal with the oddly-shaped thoughts one at a time and stack them neatly on top of one another so that they disappear into the darkness before they can touch the top of the screen. The way I do that is to write, or draw, or play my ukulele, or do anything that helps me organize them away. Tonight, my remedy is writing because there is ever so many thoughts to stack into neatly arranged blocks.
I recently went to Texas where my sister and her husband live. I have a darling little spitfire of a niece who is an awful lot like me, oddly enough, and a sweet nephew that I met for the first time who was born just months ago. My parents were also there and I had a great time with everyone. The trip was excellent. I mention it to say that ever since I returned I’ve been in a “funk” of some kind. You know what I mean. Now, I’ve been in “funks” before – this is not new, but whenever I’m in one it feels so all-consuming that I can barely think of anything else. I’m absent-minded, my thoughts have been elsewhere. Life feels dull for no particular reason and my thoughts are many since, as always, I am trying to analyze and remedy the problem. I have thought that perhaps I’m somehow still jet lagged from the trip, or that I’m struggling to adjust to having my nights free since I had a second job at night from 2017 until the 1st of this month, but no longer. I have also stopped using Facebook and Youtube on weeknights, this was about a month ago I started doing this (I did log it, so that might be a later post), and so I have been adjusting to having time that isn’t full of distractions, which I figured had forced me to face my thoughts, instead of distracting myself from them. I have also considered that I have been feeling lost in life and career for years now, or that in some small way I’m still feeling the effect of grief from losing my cat, Stella, in April. Or perhaps I’m still reeling from turning 32 this year…
When I really think about everything that’s happened since my last post, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed at how many oddly-shaped thoughts there are! And how many of them don’t fit anywhere or I’m not fast enough to make them fit. But there are always so many now that when they drop into view they must my turned around and made to fit with the others. Even if it’s just one at a time.