Money over mind?

I pass by glamour-covered mannequins in shop windows on the street or find my way onto a shop online; a website with a pretty slider displaying models in clothes that I neither want or need and a cleverly designed cart that just makes you want to fill it with things and somehow I feel drawn to them. At first I thought I just like to look at things because I’m visual. I love art and design and all things pretty. The only things that seem to interest me now is make-up and hair and whatever trends are in at the moment. When did I become so shallow? Or is it deep?

Is it deep that I may just desire the lives of the people behind these pretty, Photoshopped faces? That I have the money that their character might have to buy such frivolous items whenever they please? Because it’s the same with catalogs and trips to Ikea. I may very well want the life, not these things. It would make sense, right? Or is that just how I try to make sense of it all and justify my apathy toward everything but the beautiful and comfortable? Do I find myself lusting after these things, or am I just dreaming of having them – or being able to have them if I wanted to? Being broke can do strange things to a girl’s mind. I never use to think about what I am thinking about now. I had money once. I never cared. When I walked into a store I didn’t stare longingly at the clothes sensually draped over the mannequins in the window; big, bight signs in back telling me I needed that and me slightly nodding in agreement. No. I walked in, got what I wanted and walked out. I didn’t need to lust or look or spend hours in the store ogling the sale rack – touching everything. That is sure: it didn’t take me near as long to shop when I had money. I didn’t have to think so hard about making purchases, weighing values of clothing and trying to decide between the dress that fit perfectly (which is rare) and getting everything on the grocery list this time around [instead of skimping to afford it]. Yes, money (or lack there of) does terrible things to a girl’s mind.

So what is it? Have I really become shallow and flat? Or is this just me hiding or trying to deal with my less-than-ideal life style of the moment. Do I want or do I just want to want?

DISCLAIMER: This isn’t a pity post. I’m, not complaining. No, just reasoning. This is an issue that I’ve had for a while now and I’m still trying to figure it out. In this place that I God has me these are some of the things that run through my mind because I have seem to have lost much of my interest for anything else. I think it’s just burn-out (a two year long burn-out) and it will pass. But I just need help getting though it. Christians out there, pray for me.

  • Aquabetpr

    So many sharing this experience and not having the courage to give life to the emotion attached to this time. That you can view it for what it is a far more relevant matter than where you stand in it.

    • Jackie

      Thank you <3

  • Garren

    Praying for you Jackie.
    I went from growing up sub-poverty wanting to have just a little of what the other kids had, then being homeless and on my own as an adult, this instilled a great work ethic in me at a very young age. I helped support Mom and lil brother till I was on my own and homeless, at times, but still working and making it. I worked two jobs and sold drugs to take care of my now ex-wife and infant child and no gratitude, still poor but making it.After meeting Crystal I started to know what being happy with what and who you have was all about. Crystal and I worked and I sold drugs to pay for my medications, happy together and making it. Now having God as our Provider we are humble and happy and making it, all our needs are met and that’s good enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, put me in Best Buy or Walmart and I’ll be a covetous monster, but when I shake it off and thank God, wherever I’m at; for making sure that I’m taken care of, I can thank Him for everything sincerely.
    Psalms 37:4 Delight thyself in the Lord; and he will give you the desires of your heart.
    Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

    • Jackie

      Thanks for your honesty, bro. I appreciate it.

      I’m always trying to be more like God and less like Jackie but I think sometimes she wins out. Thank you so much <3