We are nowhere near Valentine’s Day but I wanted to share this with you. Lately I have been a little discouraged…much the way I was when I wrote this post that originated as a note on my Facebook on Valentine’s Day 2011. I wanted to share it again because I have been thinking about it. Basically, it was written at a time when my life was changing. I had hurt people and had been hurt (probably unintentionally) by people in my life, but I was mostly doing the hurting…and then coming to my senses and pouring my heart out:
2/14/11 – I’m writing this because it helps me get it out…instead of crying. I know that I will be okay tomorrow but I need to let you know how I feel right now…I feel like a jerk. I’m the most oblivious person I know. Valentine’s Day is about love, actually, EVERY day is about love; I know this, but I am too stupid to act on it sometimes. Many of you love me in one way or another and I usually don’t notice or care or bother to thank you guys. I’m an idiot.
I realize now what my lesson is and why I always have to be the one to initiate things when it comes to my relationships. Because they want me to. Because, for whatever reason, I am important to some people some how.
If you are one of them, know this. I’ve been so stupid lately. I SEVERELY underestimate how many people care about me and I really take them for granted or just neglect them and their efforts. In fact, I am very immature and very selfish. I’m not one to pay others any attention and I usually don’t notice or care when people are trying to show their love and concern for me. Also, when people talk I usually don’t listen, when they call I don’t answer and when they try to love me I throw it right back in their face. I don’t break hearts; I don’t even TAKE them, I just let them fall to the floor and shatter into a million little pieces.
When I think about it, this is the reason that I have lost touch with many of my friends and other relationships that could have been, but ended in flames. I even lost my first love due to my stupidity and neglect. Yes, my selfish actions have cost me dearly over the years. If you you have known me for any length of time, you know that I use to be a masochist, in short; I was absolutely addicted to ensuring my self-destruction. And you know that I use to be worse, much worse, than this, but I’m not over it. I don’t mind anyone knowing that because honestly…this is the first time I actually really cared about changing it. I mean, I really, really want to make it go away now. I thought I was better, but I’m not. I feel like I’m still going out of my way to ruin my own life, just as before.
Because of this tendency of mine, I have let someone very important to me down. And, whether I like it or not, what I did (or didn’t do) had a consequence that I can’t forgive myself for…at least, not just yet. It scares me. It now, occurs to me that if I don’t stop this I may end up alone and dying and completely without ANYTHING. No house, no family, no husband, no cats…anything. I have realized that this MUST stop.
I cannot keep blaming it on my past. I’m in control now. What REALLY disgusts me is that I was in control and I let this mess happen. I didn’t want the responsibility. I lost confidence. I was being a child. I suppose that at 23 there’s only so far I can go in the sense of growing up and becoming mature. I did this and I am destroying it. I made my life this way: better, and now I am breaking it down…I didn’t realize that my life was good and I was loved. I never meant to hurt anyone, but by hurting myself, I do.
My Valentine’s Day lesson: Don’t go through life as if you are unloved, because before you know it you will be.
What I have been thinking about is this: as I read over this old post I know that I’m not the same girl who wrote it BUT I still feel the same way every so often. Lately I have been feeling sort of the same. I have a new group of people in my life now, wonderful people, brothers and sisters in Christ that, if I could give them the chance, could be invaluable friends to me. The problem with these people becoming friends, however, is that sometimes I feel that I can push people away simply by being passive. Oh, I’ve been working for 2 years on my attitude so that’s not so much a problem. The thing is that after that, underneath the attitude, lies more layers, layers of isolation that go largely unnoticed by me because I do not have a problem being alone. I’m alone now. I think I like being alone too much and end up unknowingly isolating people as a result. I don’t mean it, it just happens. I feel that I am doing this to my ministry [music]…just leaving it alone. At first, I was deciding to “take a break” but a few weeks into that, to be honest, I started to feel very discouraged and “unmissed” or not “needed”. I know this is crap; quite possibly burn-out but I still feel it. I know I’m not the only one.
Curiously, the message this past Sunday was on idols…not as things but feelings. One of these was “acceptance and influence”; idolizing those feelings and wanting them from sources other than God. Hearing that caused me to break because I knew that the cause of the above post and what I’m feeling now is a result of wanting those feelings from people and things. Now that I know a problem is there, I’m working on it. In fact, I’ll post that message here when it’s online because it was so refreshing.
Anyway, I keep repeating my lesson: “don’t live as if you are unloved..” over and over in my mind, trying to combat this discouragement and desire for approval. This desire…if left to grow will take my focus from others. I can’t let that happen.
I hope that, if this lesson finds you, it will help you.