Update: Move on

It’s 2am as I write this. I’ve just come home from work and, as usual, I’m more hungry than tired.

I’m losing my job. I have been working the night shift for about 5 months now. But what I came on here to say is that last Monday I found out that my last day in the office is officially May 23rd.

My co-workers might call me crazy, but to me the news was bittersweet as business owner, seeing as I can’t seem to “hold down” “two jobs.” The news came unexpectedly enough, there was shock and tears; I wasn’t crying. I didn’t feel much of anything because I didn’t want to – the reasons I’m losing this job aren’t good enough for my tears besides, it is only a job, and if you know me at all you know that there are much more important things to me than money. I had my reservations about this job (this post explains) but I took it anyway and began working in January. Over the last 4 months, company changes, lay-offs, and a couple CEO visits have come and gone, but I did what I felt was best and most logical (of course): work day to day and take things as they come. Now I know there is no such thing as job security, I’ve known that for years, but it still came as a surprise when my whole department was ushered into the conference room and handed an intimidating navy folder containing a severance date and agreement. Apparently, the company is losing money something fierce. “Well, that was fun”, I whispered to myself.

I tried to console my co-workers but I’m finding that it’s hard to comfort those whom you feel like you no longer relate to. There was a time I was afraid too. I was afraid of losing income, jobs, houses, cars, things. But then I lost them and as unpleasant as it felt, it made me strong and I learned to move on. I’m not insensitive, I thought, I’ve just been here before and it’s no big deal.

I’m moving…maybe? Our apartment has presented its own set of frustrations that have sent me down into the depths of disappointment and “I don’t understand this.” Truth be told I was excited when we moved in here. Oh sure, I spent many hours cleaning, sanitizing, and doing my best to pull smells out of the carpet. I thought by last June I had had everything set – I was contented, but not for long. In almost exactly one year there has been a termite infestation, 4 dead mice and a rat somewhere undiscovered, a leaky roof, a twice-broken water heater, a washer replacement, noisy neighbors who do nothing but fight and party until daybreak, and the coldest, most brutal winter I’ve ever endured and with hardly any heat, as it would all seep out of the empty walls. Tristan and I then vowed to never spend the winter like that again; we had to be out before the cold set in in the fall. Disheartened but finally thawed enough to function, we started looking for a new home, but our search has yielded nothing thus far.

Lately, we’ve been thinking that perhaps we’re in the wrong place. I like Philly, but I’m not attached to it. I don’t think I ever was as attached to this city as much as I wanted to be at first – I really wanted to put down roots here, for this to be the place for me, my home. But with the desire to move and the search for a new home producing no results, and now the loss of yet another job, I’ve decided that all I’ve ever done here is survive, but not live; I’m resting here for a moment, but I’m still searching for the perfect place to settle and take root. It is unclear yet where we’ll go to finally be at peace, but at this point I will go anywhere if it means I can finally stop searching. I do not want a life, I have decided, where all I do is try to survive until my next meal, next sleep, next job or whatever. I have decided that I want to LIVE and thrive and be, without the cares of having to pack up or get rid of everything, change my mind about who I want to be, and move again.

I still live day to day. I still try to have more good days than bad, regardless of my location. The city does what it does. The CEO of my soon-to-be former job does what he does. And I do what I do, move on.

I don’t even know yet if I want to keep pursuing the same path in web design, or anything I had done previously. The job has helped me rediscover my love of writing, perhaps there’s something there…