Breath(less)

I haven’t written in a while. Lately though, I’ve just been “coming up” with songs and poems in minutes on and off. Here’s a poem of mine. Brand new: 9/3/13

close enough to feel Your breath
it’s the same as I remember
full of words and sweet somethings and guiding graces
i can’t even speak
it feels surreal that the One I love is holding me
literally

the sky, for lack of words, is a color I’ve never seen
it envelops me
and the breeze echoes
eternity is an echo compared to the face I’m looking into
You look at me as i begin to sing hallelujahs forever
with a voice like a lyre

faster than light, time unassigned;
i’m seeing the cosmos although i’m so close
to Your heart
and my eyes are filled with things I can’t explain
no tears, just things: glorious and purposeful
heavy and soft

I knew this day would come but this is unexpected
delightful and unexpeced and wonderful
i’m breathless

Writing & Singing & Resolve

I’ve started writing again; random things. I started writing my memoir that I was thinking about doing for about a year. It won’t be done anything soon because it’s a memoir chronicling my 20s (and I’m not quite finished with those). I haven’t added to RS recently but I’m probably going to soon. And I wrote a random song. I can’t even write music but I had a melody in my head and lyrics so I wrote it down. I may actually do something with it later as I’m getting more into music since becoming part of my church’s worship team, which I am LOVING. It so weird to me because I coasted through Christianity and church as a kid…I just didn’t ever get nurtured I guess and I just went through the motions. Now I’m doing less thinking and more feeling and progressing through song – a gift I’ve known about for a long time and I feel like is finally being used at this season in my life. That happens. It’s like I go through seasons where my gifts are in rotation at different times. Right now it’s writing and singing.

The random song I wrote in about 2 minutes yesterday is like my intro: feeling dead inside until I realize how loved I am and that my fears have no power any more (Romans 9 <3). I guess because lately I've been trying not to be afraid or discouraged. And I've been writing because there's so much crap in my head I have to put it somewhere. I'm hoping to finally be getting some actual vocal training and learning some music theory since I don't even know what the notes sound like. So I guess that's my only "resolution" this year. I don't normally make resolutions because to me January 1st doesn't mark the beginning of anything except the year, of course. So GOALS for 2013 now that I’m over my “new year blues”.

1. Get some training and put this voice to the test.
2. Write more.
3. Sing more.

That’s it. Everything else is just going to happen or not going to happen.

Money over mind?

I pass by glamour-covered mannequins in shop windows on the street or find my way onto a shop online; a website with a pretty slider displaying models in clothes that I neither want or need and a cleverly designed cart that just makes you want to fill it with things and somehow I feel drawn to them. At first I thought I just like to look at things because I’m visual. I love art and design and all things pretty. The only things that seem to interest me now is make-up and hair and whatever trends are in at the moment. When did I become so shallow? Or is it deep?

Is it deep that I may just desire the lives of the people behind these pretty, Photoshopped faces? That I have the money that their character might have to buy such frivolous items whenever they please? Because it’s the same with catalogs and trips to Ikea. I may very well want the life, not these things. It would make sense, right? Or is that just how I try to make sense of it all and justify my apathy toward everything but the beautiful and comfortable? Do I find myself lusting after these things, or am I just dreaming of having them – or being able to have them if I wanted to? Being broke can do strange things to a girl’s mind. I never use to think about what I am thinking about now. I had money once. I never cared. When I walked into a store I didn’t stare longingly at the clothes sensually draped over the mannequins in the window; big, bight signs in back telling me I needed that and me slightly nodding in agreement. No. I walked in, got what I wanted and walked out. I didn’t need to lust or look or spend hours in the store ogling the sale rack – touching everything. That is sure: it didn’t take me near as long to shop when I had money. I didn’t have to think so hard about making purchases, weighing values of clothing and trying to decide between the dress that fit perfectly (which is rare) and getting everything on the grocery list this time around [instead of skimping to afford it]. Yes, money (or lack there of) does terrible things to a girl’s mind.

So what is it? Have I really become shallow and flat? Or is this just me hiding or trying to deal with my less-than-ideal life style of the moment. Do I want or do I just want to want?

DISCLAIMER: This isn’t a pity post. I’m, not complaining. No, just reasoning. This is an issue that I’ve had for a while now and I’m still trying to figure it out. In this place that I God has me these are some of the things that run through my mind because I have seem to have lost much of my interest for anything else. I think it’s just burn-out (a two year long burn-out) and it will pass. But I just need help getting though it. Christians out there, pray for me.

Neglect: Art and novel updates

I just checked killmortality.net, my art network/portfolio again today after a long, long “hiatus”. The fact is, I’ve been focusing on my web design company and my work in that part of life, hence the neglect. I posted this update on there, but I thought I’d post here too because I’ve been updating this site a lot more.

I started killmortality as an art network to hold all my artwork in 2005, I was 18 at the time and I produced a ton of artwork in high school; photomanipulation, photography, drawing, painting, poetry… Anyway, the site has gone through 16 versions since then and now I almost don’t touch it. The artist in me seems to be asleep for now.

screenshot

Here’s a screenshot of the current version.

However, I have made progress in a few areas. First, I have decided to take the “graphic novel” potion of my portfolio down. I have done this for three reasons: one/two is that I’m changing my drawing style to be more American AND I’ve decided that my novel is going to be a NOVEL and not a GRAPHIC NOVEL. However, I am planning to illustrate the cover and I do want to release an art book sometime after the novel…when I get to that point. Reason three is that I’m serious about writing this book, therefore, I’ve decided that I need to be more careful about where I post and who sees my posts about the book in particular. In fact, I won’t even be posting chapters or synopses. I have chosen just two people to critique the first draft (they know who they are) the rest of you (if you’re wondering) have to wait until it’s published.

sketches

Some recent sketches. Spoilers.

I have made progress. The first draft of chapters one and two are finished and other pieces different points in the book have been written, I just have to fill the rest in and figure out how I want to put it together.

As for my art in other mediums (see above); as much as I’d love to do it all…I can’t. At least not now. I may do a painting here, a photomanip there as I feel like it and as I have time. I really DO miss producing so much, but I was doing many of these things 10 years ago. I’m an adult now and busy with adult things. And sometimes that’s depressing.

It doesn’t matter how slowly you go…

If you’ve known me for any length of time you know that I’m writing a novel. If you didn’t know, I’m writing a novel lol. Though I still can’t decide if this novel is going to have illustrations in it or not, I drew some stuff last night for the first time since…December? Anyway, I’ve been drawing for years. I started drawing manga (Japanese comics) in high school when I got the idea for my book. Lately though, I’ve been trying to “Americanize” my style in case I decide to add illustrations to it.

The Book

The book I’m writing is a religious fiction/fantasy/macabre story about a girl that who see “monsters”; let’s just call it “RS” (those ARE the initials). I know some people will know what that means, but since I intend to publish this within the next two or three years, I don’t want to revel too much, especially since I’m still in the first draft.

I have decided this though: I am going to write something for this book each day (except Sunday, of course) until the first draft is done, then I’ll revise until I’m ready to release excerpts for review. Following God knows how many drafts, my goal this book in or before 2015.

To date I have written over 5,000 words along with some of the more critical points in the story line. Not that impressive yet, I know, but I soooo excited about making progress on this! Especially because I was really struggling with getting the first draft of the first chapter done; now I’m in the middle of the second. Success!

The Art

You can see some of my old “Japanese” style drawings (from 2004-2011) on my personal art network which I started waaay back in 2005 =)

Here’s some new stuff.

new stuff

My main character in my “American” style

I’ve been studying all sorts of comic techniques for this! The faces are the hardest thing because they change a lot but the bodies don’t really change too much from style to style.

Anyway, I wanted to share my progress with you because I thought of this, which I have on one of Pinterest boards:

don't stop

I need to print it out and hang it by my desk.