Breath(less)

I haven’t written in a while. Lately though, I’ve just been “coming up” with songs and poems in minutes on and off. Here’s a poem of mine. Brand new: 9/3/13

close enough to feel Your breath
it’s the same as I remember
full of words and sweet somethings and guiding graces
i can’t even speak
it feels surreal that the One I love is holding me
literally

the sky, for lack of words, is a color I’ve never seen
it envelops me
and the breeze echoes
eternity is an echo compared to the face I’m looking into
You look at me as i begin to sing hallelujahs forever
with a voice like a lyre

faster than light, time unassigned;
i’m seeing the cosmos although i’m so close
to Your heart
and my eyes are filled with things I can’t explain
no tears, just things: glorious and purposeful
heavy and soft

I knew this day would come but this is unexpected
delightful and unexpeced and wonderful
i’m breathless

Bittersweet Birthday

Hey, all. I know I’ve been needed to blog for a few weeks now and just haven’t done it. I have NOT been busy, not really…just lazy. I’ve been feeling soooo lazy recently. -__-;;

Monday, the 29th of July was my 26th birthday. I did nothing on my birthday. As an adult, one of my favorite things to do on my birthday is nothing. I slept in, painted my toes, watched movies, did some cooking. Basically nothing.

I got stuff, oh yes. In fact, I got a lot more than I expect this year, which still isn’t a lot but I still feel just, so blessed by my 2013 that I can’t help but marvel at the simple things I did receive; mostly from my mom, grandmother, and mom-in-law (thank you and I love you all!). The best of all though, which I am so excited about is this (from my wonderful husband):

my sewing machine

I’ve been wanting to take up sewing for quite sometime, ever since the economy robbed us of…well, a lot of things, and I got super creative with what little we had. That, and being a fashion lover and super petite, I knew I had to try it. I’ve been teaching myself to sew by hand for a while, but now I can really get down to business. I’ll try to document a project as soon as I get to something interesting lol. I decided I’m probably going to try to making a few catnip pillows and regular sofa pillows first (which you probably don’t want to see). Eventually, I want to work my way up to actual clothes and sewing my own alterations. I’ve already started practice stitching and gathering supplies. We’ll see how it goes. I hope I turn out to have talent in this area.

The title of my post is such because, while getting things, receiving love and leaning new things is sweet, goodbyes are not. A dear friend of mine moved from Philly to TN at the end of last month to go to school and pursue a career. While I’m happy for her I miss her a lot. She’s probably one of the easiest friends I’ve ever made…What I mean is, it didn’t take long to become close; which is a big deal to me because I, not only have a hard time making friends, but I have a hard time letting people in. Still, we just “clicked” together. It’s cliche, but it really did feel that way. I’m hoping that she comes back for Christmas so we can hang out more. It’s just so incredibly rare that I find a friend like her.

I can buy curtains?

“Yeah. I guess.” was the response from my husband.

:)))

I am so happy to finally be making our apartment into a home. When we moved in back in April we had made a few trips to Ikea and picked up a few “decor-type things” but since then nothing has been going on; we haven’t actually done anything to the place…yet.

Then this month I got super excited about home-making again when our landlord gave us the okay to rebuild our deck (which is falling apart) and grow things in the yard. Motivation! I feel that now that we’re comfortable I am getting the desire to organize things, put away odds and ends that just kind of “sat” for a while, like our books, and seriously consider paint colors and plant types for my box garden that I want to plant outside. I will be posting all this, of course.

Today though, I went through a couple cans of Great Stuff and filled all the cracks I could find. Tomorrow, I’ll shave down all the foamy lumps sticking out and then my next project will be finding curtains for my office and the would-be entertainment area.

I realize that I haven’t shown you any pictures so when I clean this place up again and put all the books away, there will be pics…of my office at least!

Home To-Do List (so I can be held accountable lol):

  • Hang pictures
  • Fill cracks
  • Curtains for upstairs
  • Pick paint colors and paint
  • Re-paint staircase
  • Unpack books
  • Mount floor-length mirror

There are more things but the husband has to do them so I did not include them here.

Home Wishlist:

  • Two bar stools(for living room/kitchen)
  • More seating (for living room)
  • Sofa table (for living room)
  • Seating (for entertainment area)
  • Bookcase (for entertainment area)
  • TV (for entertainment area)

Thank the Lord for my “nest”.

Two years ago…A Lesson in Love

We are nowhere near Valentine’s Day but I wanted to share this with you. Lately I have been a little discouraged…much the way I was when I wrote this post that originated as a note on my Facebook on Valentine’s Day 2011. I wanted to share it again because I have been thinking about it. Basically, it was written at a time when my life was changing. I had hurt people and had been hurt (probably unintentionally) by people in my life, but I was mostly doing the hurting…and then coming to my senses and pouring my heart out:

2/14/11 – I’m writing this because it helps me get it out…instead of crying. I know that I will be okay tomorrow but I need to let you know how I feel right now…I feel like a jerk. I’m the most oblivious person I know. Valentine’s Day is about love, actually, EVERY day is about love; I know this, but I am too stupid to act on it sometimes. Many of you love me in one way or another and I usually don’t notice or care or bother to thank you guys. I’m an idiot.

I realize now what my lesson is and why I always have to be the one to initiate things when it comes to my relationships. Because they want me to. Because, for whatever reason, I am important to some people some how.

If you are one of them, know this. I’ve been so stupid lately. I SEVERELY underestimate how many people care about me and I really take them for granted or just neglect them and their efforts. In fact, I am very immature and very selfish. I’m not one to pay others any attention and I usually don’t notice or care when people are trying to show their love and concern for me. Also, when people talk I usually don’t listen, when they call I don’t answer and when they try to love me I throw it right back in their face. I don’t break hearts; I don’t even TAKE them, I just let them fall to the floor and shatter into a million little pieces.

When I think about it, this is the reason that I have lost touch with many of my friends and other relationships that could have been, but ended in flames. I even lost my first love due to my stupidity and neglect. Yes, my selfish actions have cost me dearly over the years. If you you have known me for any length of time, you know that I use to be a masochist, in short; I was absolutely addicted to ensuring my self-destruction. And you know that I use to be worse, much worse, than this, but I’m not over it. I don’t mind anyone knowing that because honestly…this is the first time I actually really cared about changing it. I mean, I really, really want to make it go away now. I thought I was better, but I’m not. I feel like I’m still going out of my way to ruin my own life, just as before.

Because of this tendency of mine, I have let someone very important to me down. And, whether I like it or not, what I did (or didn’t do) had a consequence that I can’t forgive myself for…at least, not just yet. It scares me. It now, occurs to me that if I don’t stop this I may end up alone and dying and completely without ANYTHING. No house, no family, no husband, no cats…anything. I have realized that this MUST stop.

I cannot keep blaming it on my past. I’m in control now. What REALLY disgusts me is that I was in control and I let this mess happen. I didn’t want the responsibility. I lost confidence. I was being a child. I suppose that at 23 there’s only so far I can go in the sense of growing up and becoming mature. I did this and I am destroying it. I made my life this way: better, and now I am breaking it down…I didn’t realize that my life was good and I was loved. I never meant to hurt anyone, but by hurting myself, I do.

My Valentine’s Day lesson: Don’t go through life as if you are unloved, because before you know it you will be.

What I have been thinking about is this: as I read over this old post I know that I’m not the same girl who wrote it BUT I still feel the same way every so often. Lately I have been feeling sort of the same. I have a new group of people in my life now, wonderful people, brothers and sisters in Christ that, if I could give them the chance, could be invaluable friends to me. The problem with these people becoming friends, however, is that sometimes I feel that I can push people away simply by being passive. Oh, I’ve been working for 2 years on my attitude so that’s not so much a problem. The thing is that after that, underneath the attitude, lies more layers, layers of isolation that go largely unnoticed by me because I do not have a problem being alone. I’m alone now. I think I like being alone too much and end up unknowingly isolating people as a result. I don’t mean it, it just happens. I feel that I am doing this to my ministry [music]…just leaving it alone. At first, I was deciding to “take a break” but a few weeks into that, to be honest, I started to feel very discouraged and “unmissed” or not “needed”. I know this is crap; quite possibly burn-out but I still feel it. I know I’m not the only one.

Curiously, the message this past Sunday was on idols…not as things but feelings. One of these was “acceptance and influence”; idolizing those feelings and wanting them from sources other than God. Hearing that caused me to break because I knew that the cause of the above post and what I’m feeling now is a result of wanting those feelings from people and things. Now that I know a problem is there, I’m working on it. In fact, I’ll post that message here when it’s online because it was so refreshing.

Anyway, I keep repeating my lesson: “don’t live as if you are unloved..” over and over in my mind, trying to combat this discouragement and desire for approval. This desire…if left to grow will take my focus from others. I can’t let that happen.

I hope that, if this lesson finds you, it will help you.

Moving weeek! And the last couple months.

Sooo…another weekly/bi-weekly…*slash* MONTHLY post. I Instagrammed some stuff from moving in weekend so now I’m just going to ramble/update you about that and getting settled in our new apartment and the stuff that’s happened in the past couple months because I haven’t blogged in forever :)

First week of May stuff

[1] So I DID go to the Flower Show earlier this year. It was fun. The theme this year was “Brilliant!”, an ode to British stuff and of course, FLOWERS and lots of them. Yes, Lots of pretty things to look at. They had a huge Big Ben type-thing in the center of the room and every hour it would switch from the clock to something else, usually a montage of stuff from the UK (including Doctor Who and Monty Python which of course I got excited about lol) I DID NOT however, get to Sakura Sunday this year :/ Because…

[2] We MOVED!!! You can read about that process here. Other than that nothing much happened in between 1 and 2 except boring parking stuff and LOTS of cleaning. Here’s my living room full of our stuff. The apartment was really, really dirty and I spent many hours cleaning and organizing. Apparently, the person who lived here before us was a hoarder. With cats. I know. Needless to say, I’m still cleaning things up and trying to get rid of mystery smells. BUT it has been worthwhile because I love this apartment and I had 2 years of pent up housekeeping energy anyway. With every little thing I do, the place looks (and smells) better and better. When things are completely clean and put away I’ll take more pics and post them.

[3] Here’s a shot of my office after much work and a trip to Ikea.

[4] I’m so excited because this spring I took on a project that really is close to my heart. One of the women that goes to church with me is starting a non-profit for women based on Mark 5:41-42 which reads as follows:

Holding her hand, he [Jesus] said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means “Little girl, get up!” And the girl, who was twelve years old, immediately stood up and walked around! They were overwhelmed and totally amazed.

Curiously enough, this is a testimony verse of mine. I actually have an interview next week to share my testimony and become a part of many who have already shared theirs with the goal of inspiring women. But shhh…spoilers :)

[5] The fickle Philly weather FINALLY stabilized into spring. Yay!

[6] The cats have gotten comfortable here quite quickly. They like to hang out in my office while I work and distract me. Lately, Gizmo likes to lay in the closet though. I’ll be adding my other cats back into our lives next week! I’m so excited to see them and my parents.