Update: Move on

It’s 2am as I write this. I’ve just come home from work and, as usual, I’m more hungry than tired.

I’m losing my job. I have been working the night shift for about 5 months now. But what I came on here to say is that last Monday I found out that my last day in the office is officially May 23rd.

My co-workers might call me crazy, but to me the news was bittersweet as business owner, seeing as I can’t seem to “hold down” “two jobs.” The news came unexpectedly enough, there was shock and tears; I wasn’t crying. I didn’t feel much of anything because I didn’t want to – the reasons I’m losing this job aren’t good enough for my tears besides, it is only a job, and if you know me at all you know that there are much more important things to me than money. I had my reservations about this job (this post explains) but I took it anyway and began working in January. Over the last 4 months, company changes, lay-offs, and a couple CEO visits have come and gone, but I did what I felt was best and most logical (of course): work day to day and take things as they come. Now I know there is no such thing as job security, I’ve known that for years, but it still came as a surprise when my whole department was ushered into the conference room and handed an intimidating navy folder containing a severance date and agreement. Apparently, the company is losing money something fierce. “Well, that was fun”, I whispered to myself.

I tried to console my co-workers but I’m finding that it’s hard to comfort those whom you feel like you no longer relate to. There was a time I was afraid too. I was afraid of losing income, jobs, houses, cars, things. But then I lost them and as unpleasant as it felt, it made me strong and I learned to move on. I’m not insensitive, I thought, I’ve just been here before and it’s no big deal.

I’m moving…maybe? Our apartment has presented its own set of frustrations that have sent me down into the depths of disappointment and “I don’t understand this.” Truth be told I was excited when we moved in here. Oh sure, I spent many hours cleaning, sanitizing, and doing my best to pull smells out of the carpet. I thought by last June I had had everything set – I was contented, but not for long. In almost exactly one year there has been a termite infestation, 4 dead mice and a rat somewhere undiscovered, a leaky roof, a twice-broken water heater, a washer replacement, noisy neighbors who do nothing but fight and party until daybreak, and the coldest, most brutal winter I’ve ever endured and with hardly any heat, as it would all seep out of the empty walls. Tristan and I then vowed to never spend the winter like that again; we had to be out before the cold set in in the fall. Disheartened but finally thawed enough to function, we started looking for a new home, but our search has yielded nothing thus far.

Lately, we’ve been thinking that perhaps we’re in the wrong place. I like Philly, but I’m not attached to it. I don’t think I ever was as attached to this city as much as I wanted to be at first – I really wanted to put down roots here, for this to be the place for me, my home. But with the desire to move and the search for a new home producing no results, and now the loss of yet another job, I’ve decided that all I’ve ever done here is survive, but not live; I’m resting here for a moment, but I’m still searching for the perfect place to settle and take root. It is unclear yet where we’ll go to finally be at peace, but at this point I will go anywhere if it means I can finally stop searching. I do not want a life, I have decided, where all I do is try to survive until my next meal, next sleep, next job or whatever. I have decided that I want to LIVE and thrive and be, without the cares of having to pack up or get rid of everything, change my mind about who I want to be, and move again.

I still live day to day. I still try to have more good days than bad, regardless of my location. The city does what it does. The CEO of my soon-to-be former job does what he does. And I do what I do, move on.

I don’t even know yet if I want to keep pursuing the same path in web design, or anything I had done previously. The job has helped me rediscover my love of writing, perhaps there’s something there…

Threefold

“And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12 AMP

I thought I’d share something that I find very beautiful that the Lord has revealed to me just a moment ago.

I love Ecclesiastes, it’s one of my favorite books in the Bible. I’ve heard people say it’s dark, and it is! But I like it because I feel that it’s overflowing with wisdom for how to effectively live life in our fallen world.

This afternoon, however, I was commenting on a post about marriage and singleness and I referenced Ecclesiastes 4:12 explaining that a good marriage is attainable, not without trials and hardships, but it is possible for a marriage to be victorious in the midst of those things. I believe, I stated in my comment, that a good, strong marriage of enjoyment and teamwork [like Tristan and I share] is one that maintains the pattern that God designed: GOD FIRST, then husband, then wife. I have found, that when you keep with this “blueprint”, your troubles make you both stronger, your hardships make you both wiser and when you fall, every time you fall – you see a side to your spouse that you never knew and you fall with them, and in love with them all over again; you both, when in your proper, God-ordained places, always have an eye on the divinity of His strength and realize just how weak you both are – which only lends itself to His power.

(And I have learned this only through trail and error.)

As I was writing this, a revelation struck me: Have you ever wondered why the preceding sentence is:

“And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him.” and then Solomon writes:

“A threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
?

That’s not a typo. I’m not sure what Solomon meant when he wrote that, but somehow I think the Lord was referring [at least in part] to marriage.

The Biblical definition of marriage is two people with God at the center; the husband is to love and care for the wife, being ready to die for her (Ephesians 5:22-31). The wife is his “helper”, meaning that she is his second in command, his comrade, who is to submit to his [higher] authority (i.e. consider his orders for the family, and follow through) and fight along side him; God binds them together – Just as He did Adam and Eve.

I believe the threefold cord is a deeper look into the union of two people, where God is the core and the center of the two whose lives are wrapped around Him.

A new job, a cup of tea, and a night to myself

Hey, all!

I figured that I’d write a little while I have a quiet Sunday night to myself. I haven’t written much yet in 2014 because a lot has happened, namely one big thing in the form of a full-time job.

Yes, a job.

I guess I never really thought I’d actually enter the work force again. I had tried over the past couple of years and failed…after that I just sort of gave up. Well, back in December I decided to knock on the “job door” again to see if it would open for me. I figured it was time since our company wasn’t doing so great I didn’t really have enough funds to work on marketing and networking – and we want a house really, really bad (since finding a hand-full of things wrong with the apartment, but that’s another post).

Anyway, I knocked on a random “door” I found while surfing Craig’s List just after Christmas and much to my surprise, within 48 hours I had a full-time, permanent position as a web editor (basically a content writer/editor).

Before you congratulate me know that, as a small business owner, I am still having some mixed feelings about this. Our company is, of course, NOT shutting down. In fact, since I got hired at my new job I’ve had a couple of inquiries. I love our business and I would never dream of retiring it – not now anyway. But having an actual job again is weird. The job itself is pretty easy, and sometimes fun, the environment is nice and they seem to treat their employees well, in fact we’re having a pot luck tomorrow for which I am cooking Caribbean food. And the paycheck…Oh, the paycheck! I could write essays on the wonders of going to the grocery store and buying things without having to look at the numbers on the register and hope you won’t have to tell the cashier to take something off of your order. I even bought my husband slippers! We even had a MEAL last night – as in a hearty, stomach-satisfying, variety of foods at once! If you have ever had or tried to have your own business full-time, you understand what a big deal that is. If not, let me tell you, it’s a massive burden off my shoulders and I’m so grateful for that.

Still though, being out of the work force as long as I have, getting back in is odd to me. I’ve never had a “big girl” office job before so I was a little lost at first, but I think I’m settling in now. I work the night shift too – 3pm to midnight. It’s a weird shift but I find that it works for me as I’m a night owl anyway and it takes me about 25 minutes to get there and back; I’m thankful there’s little to no traffic when I’m on the road. The best part is that I can do my other office work during the first part of the day, and clean and whatever else I have to do that day. And since it’s a weekday job, I can still spend my weekends however I choose. All that is wonderful. The entrepreneur in me is a little sad that it’s had to come to this and I’m still trying to make adjustments to my schedule…I’m a little overwhelmed, honestly.

So I have been working nights, trying to finish up some web development jobs (of which I am not taking any new clients at the moment) and trying to get some writing in (since I’m having all this practice writing website content at work).

So, that is what I’ve been up to.

Business inquires: If you have stumbled across this blog and have seen some of my work, and liked it, I will take design ONLY clients at this time. I currently do not have time for web development but any client requesting graphic design is still welcome to contact me :)

Hey there.

I just wrote a private post because I’m mad. I haven’t blogged because I’m sad and I haven’t done any art because I’m lazy. I keep working on things, projects that NEED to be wrapped up before the end of year. I’m going crazy. Be back in 2014.

Breath(less)

I haven’t written in a while. Lately though, I’ve just been “coming up” with songs and poems in minutes on and off. Here’s a poem of mine. Brand new: 9/3/13

close enough to feel Your breath
it’s the same as I remember
full of words and sweet somethings and guiding graces
i can’t even speak
it feels surreal that the One I love is holding me
literally

the sky, for lack of words, is a color I’ve never seen
it envelops me
and the breeze echoes
eternity is an echo compared to the face I’m looking into
You look at me as i begin to sing hallelujahs forever
with a voice like a lyre

faster than light, time unassigned;
i’m seeing the cosmos although i’m so close
to Your heart
and my eyes are filled with things I can’t explain
no tears, just things: glorious and purposeful
heavy and soft

I knew this day would come but this is unexpected
delightful and unexpeced and wonderful
i’m breathless